If Anger Could Make Fire

I can’t even remember  when the last time I wrote was . I can’t post anything for WordPress today there is nothing there . I have no phone. When I picked up Ryan from the hospital it got lost in the truck? Or that security guy stole it when he took back the wheelchair. I feel resentment towards God for making me so strong that it has weakened my love and empathy and all other great things about me. I have this wall of fire up. You cannot touch my heart and I cannot reach your being. I am here waiting on the 2 prescriptions at walmart in Pflugerville I have one more to get but I do not think we can afford it so I will wait and see the outcome . Maybe Ryan’s gramma will be available to help and take me to Sam’s Club where she has a membership that alone will save us half or more of the original cost. I feel stupid for putting the money Ryan’s mom gave me in the bank it is negative damn near $100 . I regret ever thinking of leaving Dq and doing so. I regret thinking I could depend on anybody but my own self. I regret depending on somebody depending on another. I resent the fact that I have come this far only to be left with disappointment  and rage. I wish I felt differently. I wish I could leave to Riviera and be taking care of so I can relax like everybody has been telling me to do. How can I? When I am spiraling down. It is not messed up that I can sit here on this Fusia Big Joe bean bag chair and be mad at the fact that I am now and have been put in positions where I am strong enough to handle it all? Yes I am. Strong.That I can handle all the good and the messed up poop that happens in my life. How unappreciative can I be, how selfish to think of all I have this anger, resentment, regret self pity that can be gone if I will it away. Don’t worry they say don’t stress there is nothing to stress about. Well fine let’s all pretend there’s not a baby on the way and that the breadwinner is not broken again.  Yes let us breathe and take everything one step at a time. As I make the steps alone as I must and do again. And I will forever have to do things on my own and take care my self and soon a baby. How I feel and wish that I had not ever found a love that I would be well off and better on my own . Happy and alone . The thought alone breaks my heart because despite all of this I will not leave Ryan’s side I will not search or find another love as great as the the love he has for I. We will get through this again. I don’t understand God’s  reasoning and I don’t suppose he will tell me I just keep in mind how mysterious his ways are in the way he works. I will give him my stress and worry and stop acting like a jerk. I will focus on us and us alone because when I think about the rest of the family his and mine and all I do not like. It makes me sick it makes me hate and want to leave this world entirely . I hope I find my phone in the work truck. Right now I am on Ryan’s phone and this doesn’t help anything goin on right now . Yvie. 

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